Realization

I’ll never forget the look on his face. The fire in his eyes. Pure contempt and disgust burned inside of them. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I’ll never forget the moment. The look on his face. He was standing in front of the sliding glass door in our family room. The curtain was mostly drawn and streams of sunshine were peaking through the cracks. It was a hot summer day around 4:00 in the afternoon. He stood in front of the curtain, and the light of the sun highlighted his outline, as he stood there pointing his finger at me. Those eyes. Bright blue staring directly into mine. All I could see was the outline of his body and his blue eyes. He was wearing the brown pocket shorts he always wore, and his shirt was off. He looked unbelievably sexy, and he was horribly angry at me. I had done something wrong, pissed him off some how.  Lately he was always angry with me, no matter what I said or did, no matter how hard I tried to fix things, please him, whatever, it didn’t matter what. He was always angry with me.

I don’t remember exactly what he said, but I do remember that he said something that made me feel like I had just been spit on. It was so hurtful. It was like getting slapped across the face. Shocking me. One could cut the hate in the room with a knife. The air was thick with hate. I immediately, at that moment, had the REALIZATION how much he hated me. He couldn’t stand the site of me. Pure and utter disgust. How could a man that I had been married to for 17 years, hate me so much? How did we get here? What brought him to this point?

I was standing by the front door, looking at him through the cut-out in the wall that he did one afternoon while my daughter was home sick. He was watching home improvement shows with her, and got inspired to cut a large space out of the wall. I was surprised when I walked through the door after work that afternoon. He was so proud of himself. The plan was to hang a sliding barn door. But that never happend. It’s just a white framed out hole in the wall. He never got around doing it before he divorced me.

So there I stood. Spit on and hated…… by a man that I was deeply in love with.